Shadows
by fakiagirl
Summary: [Oneshot, Songfic, KuroFai. Song, The New Year.] Kurogane and Fai don't join in the New Year's celebration. Fai is depressed and lost while Kurogane worries. Two men who are so different, but share something neither will admit . . .


**Disclaimer:** Tsubasa and all its characters are copyrighted by CLAMP. And this a songfic, so the song is _The New Year _by Death Cab for Cutie and therefore not owned by me. So, yeah.

- - - - - - - - - - -

Shadows**  
**

" . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1!" The empty sky above the horizon of skyscrapers was suddenly streaked with trails of light; as the clock struck precisely midnight, the lights blossomed into cascading sparks of colored flame. A great wave of cheering broke over the crown, drowning out any "awws" and "oohs." The two men sitting on the steps watched the fireworks silently, drinks in their hands. One held his alcoholic beverage carelessly, as if he had forgotten it was there. The other held his firmly and gave off a feeling of watching. Neither seemed to quite belong here; they seemed more like shadows come to life. One was pale and almost appeared translucent, the other appearing at the edge of your vision like the deepest shadow in the dead of night. They both appeared so relaxed, and yet, there was a feeling about them, as if they knew things most didn't, as if they could see things only shadows could see . . .

**So this is the New Year  
And I don't feel any different  
**

Kurogane watched Fai's face as the light illuminated it briefly before letting the shadows take it again. He looked like a pale shadow brought to life. His eyes stared at nothing. Even so, they seemed to be the only part of him that was real and of this world. Even his smile seemed more translucent than normal, like a piece of gauze draped over his thoughts. It was so thing and fragile, but no one could see what lay behind it . . .

**The clanking of crystal  
Explosions off in the distance, in the distance**

As if sensing his gaze, Fai turned that pale smile on Kurogane.

"What were you thinking about?"

Fai returned his vacant gaze to the people on the streets in front of them. "I was just wondering if I will live to see the next New Year's."

Kurogane's eyes widened and he felt a pang in his heart. That Fai could say that so casually . . .

"We never know, do we?" Those blue eyes, frozen with pain, met Kurogane's red ones once again. "But we both must carry that burden, hmm, Kuro-puu?" His voice was quiet and held no teasing tone; merely a quiet understanding that Kurogane returned in his gaze. Then once again the mage's eyes left his.

**  
So this is the New Year  
And I have no resolutions**

Kurogane leaned over and put an arm around Fai's waist, pulling him close. The mage didn't resist, and his empty hand hung limp at his side. His head lolled to the side and seemed to stop on Kurogane's shoulder only by accident. Kurogane closed his eyes and breathed Fai's scent in deeply.

**  
For self assigned penance  
For problems with easy solutions  
**

"Any wishes for the new year, Kuro-pon?" asked Fai in a quiet, gently teasing tone, interrupting his thoughts.

Kurogane turned his head slightly to look at the home-made fireworks now showering stars across the sky. "Just this," he said simply. They both knew what he meant. He spoke for both of them; when the next day, the next moment, might hold your death, you tried to make this one count.

**  
So everybody put your best suit or dress on  
Let's make believe that we are wealthy for just this once  
Lighting firecrackers off on the front lawn  
As thirty dialogs bleed into one  
**

Fai was suddenly overcome with a feeling of deep sadness for all he might yet loose, if not for what he had already lost. He turned slightly and pressed his face against Kurogane's chest, clutching his shirt tightly as if that would somehow keep him from being swept away by the overwhelming wave of terror threatening to crash down on him.

**  
I wish the world was flat like the old days  
Then I could travel just by folding a map  
No more airplanes or speed trains or freeways  
There'd be no distance that could hold us back  
**

"It is so hard to hope for a future when the only thing we have for certain is this moment, isn't it?"

Kurogane's heart wrenched at the sight of Fai so exposed. He wrapped his arms around Fai and held him tightly.

**  
There'd be no distance that could hold us back**

_We have this moment, and that is worth far more than you say it is! _thought Kurogane fiercely.

**There'd be no distance that could hold us back  
**

Fai's smile was gone, and yet, the gauze was once again draped between Fai's eyes and the rest of the world. Kurogane only ever briefly glimpsed what might lay behind it. He knew that was where Fai's sadness was, and though the thought of it terrified him, Kurogane wanted – no, needed – to know what was there. Fai needed him, even more than he needed Fai. He watched Fai's eyes but they were only shadows in this half-light. He knew that those eyes were the only place Fai ever let the gauze fall away. Kurogane leaned in, entranced.

**  
So this is the New Year**

It hardly felt real. It was only the shadow of a kiss; it only brushed the surface.

**So this is the New Year**

Kurogane drew away; he knew now that Fai would never let anyone get close enough to see past the shadow.

**So this is the New Year**

Fai remembered he was not a shadow. He was real, this was real – and he should hold on to it, not let it slip away. They both knew this was real . . .

**So this is the New Year**

He reached out and caught Kurogane, caught the shadow of a kiss, and brushed away the gauze, if only for a moment. Because sometimes a moment was all you had, and sometimes, that was enough.

- - - - - - - - - - -

**_Author's Note: _**I'm really having fun with this whole Kuro-Fai semi-angst thing, you know?


End file.
